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Make Us Wealthy Be Famous Get Drunk & Laid What Makes Us Deadly Our Tomb These Are Important People Our New Shizzle
    Make Us Wealthy Make Us Wealthy Make Us Wealthy

Rated Rookie loves submissions. We love them! If you're wondering what to submit, let's instead start with what you shouldn't:


—Anything longer than 3,000 words; brevity is sexy.

—Music, unless it's an article about how much a band sucks or an intriguing experience concerning you and a musical instrument.

—Fiction, because real life is strange enough.

Rated Rookie wants to hear about your panty-sniffing obsessions. We want to know about the one-night stand with the narcoleptic. We want to hear about the subway bums, the broom-wielding nun, and the bus driver making vroom-vroom noises when ’rounding bends.

Think outside the realm of personal essay. We are constantly seeking photos (no landscape, please), interviews, parodies (no aping The Onion), and revealing non-fiction. We like catharsis through failure. Epiphanies wrought from the depths. Scrape off a layer of dirt and show us what's underneath. But please don't use adverbs. We hate adverbs something fierce.

Our editors will work with you to make sure YOUR piece goes into the magazine. That means no Frankenstein cutting.

That said, it’s open season on literature. Send us your best, send us your worst; just send us something. We promise to respond, though we are men and women of 438 hats and it may take a few weeks.