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Make Us Wealthy Be Famous Get Drunk & Laid What Makes Us Deadly Our Tomb These Are Important People Our New Shizzle

Rated Rookie is a print zine that leads a weaker double life online. But our weaker half could still kick your better half’s ass halfway to Cheboygan. For real. So what is Rated Rookie? Here’s our spiel:

Everyone has a story, right? The Pakistani hot dog vendor is an ex-physicist fallen from grace. The mustachioed man on the plane once dined with a drunken Ronald Reagan. You laughed so hard at work one day you accidentally crapped yourself. That is Rated Rookie. Pathos mixed with humor. Nonfiction trumping fiction. Failures, not successes. These are stories borne of vomit-strewn floors and lock-boxed secrets. It’s raw. It’s visceral. It’s your life. It’s our lives.

Rated Rookie disdains celebrities. We refuse music reviews. We’re sick of magazines force-feeding us glossy approximations of lives we’ll never live.

We want people to stop telling us how great Electroclash is and tell us about their Duran Duran obsession. Our lives are little more than a series of interconnected anecdotes, collected knowledge and stories. And we want to hear them all.

Rated Rookie is published three times a year, but we’ve been known to deviate. These foreign concepts known as “jobs” sometimes hold us back. Our circulation stands at 3,000 issues in more than 20 states. We will soon cover the world like mold.

But if you really want to taste Rated Rookie, buy a copy. It is, as they say, the good shit.

    Brush Your Teeth Bitch