LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR
are making millions
by Michael Quiñones
Make social retards feel like superheroes, make losers feel
like they have a chance, and make guys think its OK
to be immature fucksticks.
1: Dumb down content. This involves making sure both rednecks
and Delta Tau Chis smoking six-foot bongs "Get
2: Celebrate the stupidity of the male gender by doling
out awards for utterly moronic behavior. This includes awards
for degrading women and recounting locker room-style jokes.
3: Glorify violent aspects of society. Remember, disfigurement=funny.
4: Sex and masturbation advice. An article about getting
the most play from a girl whos passed out could earn
a cover line, such as "Remove Her Panties Without Her
Knowing." However, no masturbation references unless
they are subtle. Example: "Spout Sperm, Lose Weight!"
5: Photoshop. Any woman can have washboard abs and stiff,
6: Quiz Section. Everyone loves pointless quizzes. Example:
Are you subconsciously denying your attraction to a blood
7: Everything must be judged by the phrase: Would Andrew
Dice Clay dig this, or what?
8: Worthless facts, typically labeled "Useless Facts,"
must be strewn throughout the magazine. Without these, all
the rules will be rendered obsolete.