THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR
why men’s magazines
are making millions
by Michael Quiñones

Challenge: Make social retards feel like superheroes, make losers feel like they have a chance, and make guys think it’s OK to be immature fucksticks.

Rule 1: Dumb down content. This involves making sure both rednecks and Delta Tau Chi’s smoking six-foot bongs "Get It."

Rule 2: Celebrate the stupidity of the male gender by doling out awards for utterly moronic behavior. This includes awards for degrading women and recounting locker room-style jokes.

Rule 3: Glorify violent aspects of society. Remember, disfigurement=funny.

Rule 4: Sex and masturbation advice. An article about getting the most play from a girl who’s passed out could earn a cover line, such as "Remove Her Panties Without Her Knowing." However, no masturbation references unless they are subtle. Example: "Spout Sperm, Lose Weight!"

Rule 5: Photoshop. Any woman can have washboard abs and stiff, two-inch nipples.

Rule 6: Quiz Section. Everyone loves pointless quizzes. Example: Are you subconsciously denying your attraction to a blood relative?

Rule 7: Everything must be judged by the phrase: Would Andrew Dice Clay dig this, or what?

Rule 8: Worthless facts, typically labeled "Useless Facts," must be strewn throughout the magazine. Without these, all the rules will be rendered obsolete.