Joshua M. Bernstein
get that Holy Spirit coursing through your veins, four out of
five priests recommend absolving your sins, getting baptized,
and attending church. Balderdash, we say. There are many ways
to get closer to the Almighty without abandoning premarital sex,
boozing, and drugs. And what does Rated Rookie have in mind to
get your unchaste soul absolved? Buying your Lord!
to sweat labor, you can have Him for as little as a dollar, and
Hell even hold your coffee. But what Rated Rookie wants
to know is this: What form of Jesus gives you the most G-d for
the fewest green-backs? Let the arbitrary budget Christ search
begin! Using 11th grade calculus, weve devised a bargain
theres a power outage or you wanna set a sexy mood for your
sweetie, nothings better than a cylindrical Jesus candle.
What the candles lack in duration they more than make up for in
cost and variety. Coming in a variety of wraths, from benevolent
to brimstone, these candles provide optimum light and Lord. And
unlike priests, cashiers wont look down upon the curious
Jew purchasing a Jesus candle. After all, shouldnt everyone
have the Lord light up his or her life?
Head of Jesus
365.25 days (and thats generous, considering some drunk
friend is going to steal the statue or turn it into a bong)
know youre a martyr when your bloody, thorn-ringed head is
on a formica pedestal. I particularly like Jesus unruly hair
and the gaping mouth that says, "Hey, buddy. What you lookin
at? I got more holiness in my disembodied head than you got in your
whole stinkin torso." We cant give the bodiless
Lord full spirituality points, because although Hes the savior
of mankind, Hes gotta have limbs for the full 10. Sorry, JC,
but Rated Rookie likes a savior we can high-five.
premise is simple: let Jesus ever-present glow guide the
wee ones in their midnight tinkle trips. Unfortunately, though,
Malaysian craftsmanship means these nightlights are more prone
to power outages than California in midsummer. One day, after
Rated Rookie set Jesus radiance aglow in our test bedroom,
we were thrust back into eternal darkness. In a fit of late-night
anger we threw the One and Only out the bedroom window. His plastic
holiness spread His wings as He flew four stories, decorating
the pavement with all His glorious faulty wiring.
$2 (thank you, thrift store)
240 days (worn twice a month for 10 years, at which time youll
be too fat to fit into the shirt)
knew that the Lord had mad game? One cannot go wrong with a cartoon
Jesus flying toward a rim, "Run toward the Spirit and Score"
scrawled beneath. This item is haute couture for the holy. Unfortunately,
this shirt loses major points because its a spiritual wasteland.
I may be a blasphemer, but I doubt Jesus was pump fakin in
the land of Canaan. Still, it begs the question: If Jordan schooled
in heaven, would Michael be sent to hell?
Bible: King James Standard Text Edition
3652.5 days (it seemed like a good number)
upon a time, before every Motel 6 had one in their nightstand,
the Bible was the "it" Jesus item to have. No pious
family would be caught dead without a bible. In fact, in certain
circles people would be dead if caught without a bible. But the
times have changed, my friends, and the Bibles luster has
tarnished. Sure, Sodom, Gomorrah, and all those great moralistic
tales are still there, but who, besides prisoners and traveling
salesmen, has time to read this tome. Rated Rookie disavows the
score until theres a biblical Cliffs Notes.
these modern times, Jesus austere beauty doesnt compare
to a 27-inch Sony. So how is this glitzy quandary rectified? Lights,
and lots of em. Looking stylish in any room, the flashy
Christ says, "Im a man whos not afraid to change
with the times. Now, who wants to join my flock in eternal glory?"
The light-up Lord loses a little spirituality duration (our illuminated
Christ lasted 15 days before the batteries died), but for cheap,
God-fearing fun, this Jesus tells people that you love the Almighty
the winner is
Candle! While Jesus head had a higher score (and kitsch
value), the noggin couldnt match the candles
intangibles, namely the ability to bathe your sweetie in His ceaseless
glow while getting your fuck on. The Lord will know Hes
the man when your honey screams, "Oh, God
cumming!" So what are you waiting for? Go scrounge some pennies
and get a JC injection today.