Rated Rookie

by Joshua M. Bernstein

To get that Holy Spirit coursing through your veins, four out of five priests recommend absolving your sins, getting baptized, and attending church. Balderdash, we say. There are many ways to get closer to the Almighty without abandoning premarital sex, boozing, and drugs. And what does Rated Rookie have in mind to get your unchaste soul absolved? Buying your Lord!

Thanks to sweat labor, you can have Him for as little as a dollar, and He’ll even hold your coffee. But what Rated Rookie wants to know is this: What form of Jesus gives you the most G-d for the fewest green-backs? Let the arbitrary budget Christ search begin! Using 11th grade calculus, we’ve devised a bargain Jesus formula:

Time
Cost

Spirituality (1-10 Scale)

Jesus Value

Seven-Day Jesus Candle
Cost: $1.50
Duration: seven days
Spirituality: 7
Score: 32.67

Whether there’s a power outage or you wanna set a sexy mood for your sweetie, nothing’s better than a cylindrical Jesus candle. What the candles lack in duration they more than make up for in cost and variety. Coming in a variety of wraths, from benevolent to brimstone, these candles provide optimum light and Lord. And unlike priests, cashiers won’t look down upon the curious Jew purchasing a Jesus candle. After all, shouldn’t everyone have the Lord light up his or her life?

Disembodied Head of Jesus
Cost: $40
Duration: 365.25 days (and that’s generous, considering some drunk friend is going to steal the statue or turn it into a bong)
Spirituality: 6
Score: 54.79

You know you’re a martyr when your bloody, thorn-ringed head is on a formica pedestal. I particularly like Jesus’ unruly hair and the gaping mouth that says, "Hey, buddy. What you lookin’ at? I got more holiness in my disembodied head than you got in your whole stinkin’ torso." We can’t give the bodiless Lord full spirituality points, because although He’s the savior of mankind, He’s gotta have limbs for the full 10. Sorry, JC, but Rated Rookie likes a savior we can high-five.

Jesus Nightlight
Cost: $1
Duration: one day
Spirituality: 5
Score: 5

The premise is simple: let Jesus’ ever-present glow guide the wee ones in their midnight tinkle trips. Unfortunately, though, Malaysian craftsmanship means these nightlights are more prone to power outages than California in midsummer. One day, after Rated Rookie set Jesus’ radiance aglow in our test bedroom, we were thrust back into eternal darkness. In a fit of late-night anger we threw the One and Only out the bedroom window. His plastic holiness spread His wings as He flew four stories, decorating the pavement with all His glorious faulty wiring.

Jesus T-Shirt
Cost: $2 (thank you, thrift store)
Duration: 240 days (worn twice a month for 10 years, at which time you’ll be too fat to fit into the shirt)
Spirituality: 0.1

Who knew that the Lord had mad game? One cannot go wrong with a cartoon Jesus flying toward a rim, "Run toward the Spirit and Score" scrawled beneath. This item is haute couture for the holy. Unfortunately, this shirt loses major points because it’s a spiritual wasteland. I may be a blasphemer, but I doubt Jesus was pump fakin’ in the land of Canaan. Still, it begs the question: If Jordan schooled J-man in heaven, would Michael be sent to hell?

Holy Bible: King James Standard Text Edition
Cost: $16.99 (hardcover)
Duration: 3652.5 days (it seemed like a good number)
Spirituality: 10
Score: 2,149.79 (voided)

Once upon a time, before every Motel 6 had one in their nightstand, the Bible was the "it" Jesus item to have. No pious family would be caught dead without a bible. In fact, in certain circles people would be dead if caught without a bible. But the times have changed, my friends, and the Bible’s luster has tarnished. Sure, Sodom, Gomorrah, and all those great moralistic tales are still there, but who, besides prisoners and traveling salesmen, has time to read this tome. Rated Rookie disavows the score until there’s a biblical Cliff’s Notes.

Light-Up Jesus Picture
Cost: $4.99
Duration: 15 days
Spirituality: 5
Score: 15

In these modern times, Jesus’ austere beauty doesn’t compare to a 27-inch Sony. So how is this glitzy quandary rectified? Lights, and lots of ’em. Looking stylish in any room, the flashy Christ says, "I’m a man who’s not afraid to change with the times. Now, who wants to join my flock in eternal glory?" The light-up Lord loses a little spirituality duration (our illuminated Christ lasted 15 days before the batteries died), but for cheap, God-fearing fun, this Jesus tells people that you love the Almighty and style.

And the winner is…

Jesus Candle! While Jesus’ head had a higher score (and kitsch value), the noggin’ couldn’t match the candle’s intangibles, namely the ability to bathe your sweetie in His ceaseless glow while getting your fuck on. The Lord will know He’s the man when your honey screams, "Oh, God…Oh, God…I’m cumming!" So what are you waiting for? Go scrounge some pennies and get a JC injection today.