Blow-Up Sheep $45.99
never been much for bestiality. I mean, the closest I ever got
to animal loving was in college. My roommate, Ted, was sick. He
owned two ferrets and let them shit all over his bedroom. In his
closet, there were two square foot piles of ferret excrement.
But I digress. On the Internet, Ted somehow procured a 15-second
video of a naked woman sucking off a horse. The animals
penis was the size of a garden hose. The woman had to support
the horses wanger with her hands while she performed fellatio.
The worst part was when the horse came. The animal whinnied, then
proceeded to unload quarts of jism down this poor womans
throat. Taken aback at his copious cum, she gagged then vomited.
Of course, Ted and I watched the video repeatedly, pausing the
clip at the exact moment the horse climaxed. That was great, but
theres no way that Im fucking an inflatable sheep.
Thats sick. (RV)
Dick Head Hat $14.95
havent lived until youve walked around a metropolis
sporting a baseball hat in the shape of a colossal wrinkly cock.
Once the review gods bestowed me this saucy number, I understood
my mission: drink multiple malt liquors and stumble around New
York City wearing the hat. So I did. After enlisting the aid of
Misters King Cobra and Olde English, I took the subway to Times
Square and stepped into the brisk air. I perched the hat on my
head, locked a teeth-baring grin on my mug, started whistling
Dixie, and set to walking. Amid hushed cries of "Hes
wearing a penis on his head!" "What the fuck is that
jackass wearing?!" and, my personal favorite, "Is that
guy on crack?" I tromped across the concrete landscape, my
hat proclaiming, "I am a dick head and I care not who knows."
It was an emboldening experience free of ass kicking. I recommend
everyone wear a pecker on their head, if but for an hour. And,
no, tea bagging doesnt count. (RV)
Vibrating Nipple Clamps $12.95
did something new today: I talked to my mom while wearing vibrating
nipple clamps. My ma decided to make her weekly call just as I
turned the nipple clamps on full bore. My roommate, who knew I
was conducting a serious test, answered the phone and said, "Just
a minute Mrs. Vallejo. Raoul will be right with you." What
a bastard. I had just enough time to remove the right clamp before
the cordless was thrust in my face. My left nip danced and tingled
and buzzed aplenty as my mom droned on. "The dogs are fine."
BUZZ! "Your dad is alright." BUZZ! "Your sister
made honor roll this quarter." BUZZBUZZBUZZ! Ive never
felt dirtier. (RV)
Mint Love Jelly $15.99
a romantic, candlelight dinner for your honey but out of the recipe-required
mint? Need a way to spice up your sex life? The solution is simple:
substitute the missing ingredient with this non-toxic, water-based,
mint-flavored lubricant. Not only are there no chemical reactions
with your favorite cookware, but the tingly, fresh flavor sends
your mates hormones rushing into hyperdrive. Tasty, succulent,
tender, and moist: theres no better coupling of food and sex.
Debbie Diamonds Anal Glow Beads $9.95
of God, why do I write for this fucking magazine? Ive asked
myself that question a half dozen times since assigned the review
of this luminous product. These are large glowing balls that I
am actually supposed to shove into my ass. They arrived on Sunday
with a tube of chocolate -lavored numbing cream. That was nice
of them. It is now Thursday. Ive opened the package. Maybe
by next Christmas Ill have worked the first one in. Fuck
of, Josh. (AC)
Cherry-Flavored Twat $29.95
last night and Im drunk. This fucking guy is hitting on
the one sexy girl in the bar. While she tied the stem of her maraschino
cherry into a knot, I pictured myriad violation tactics. When
youre drunk, everything involving a girls tongue is
sexy. He repeated the trick. They went home together. Thats
why Im never that guy; I cant tie knots inside my
mouth. Im pretty sure its a genetic defect. Before
they left, I bought him a Tom Collins. I slathered the fruit with
twat lube. Its harmless enough and partially edible, but
I was satisfied. Then I went home and fucked the packaged cunt.
It feels kind of like fucking jelly. It was pretty great, I guess.