by Noah Masterson
infecting us, Human. You evacuate your bowels mere inches from
where we wash our face. And every time you flush the toilet, an
invisible shit-geyser blasts upward, spreads along the ceiling
like a mushroom cloud, and rains down, coating our toothbrush,
our hand towelevery available surfacewith finely ground
fecal crumbs. Stop it, Human. It makes us sick.
cleaning habits are laughable. Your "bar of soap"a
sticky mass of sludge that plays host to the skin and hair of
anyone unfortunate enough to touch itis like a venereal
disease willingly passed among your ranks. Your shower stall,
an active culture for warm water-loving bacteria, is contaminated
with the toxic runoff of every other Human with which you share
this nightmarish little chamber. "Cleaning" yourself
serves only to make you more of a germ farm.
what of the sponge with which you "wash" your dishware,
Human? By its very definition a sponge absorbs everything around
itsoap, water, the collective sneezes of passersby. And
you wipe this phlegm receptacle on your dishes. Oh yes, you amuse
of course, your food was unclean long before it became scraps
on your plate and clogs in your colon. Your weak Human eyes cannot
see the mold, the spoilage, the decay that begins the moment your
edibles are picked, slain or manufactured. But even a childs
toy microscope could reveal the spores on your bread as they enter
is what its like for us, Human, to live in your company.
We wake each day and think of the pollutants we inhaled in the
night: carbon monoxide, exhaled viruses, sloughed-off Human skin
particles. We rise from our beds, slide our feet into fungal slippers,
and pad off to the bathroom, which we have already demonstrated
is rife with disease. We urinate, noting that the Human toilet
bowl is so poorly designed that it cannot capture all of our manly,
pressurized streamdiluted waste splashes outward, onto the
bathroom scale and floor. If feeling charitable, we kneel down
and wipe the scale with a piece of tissue, then shudder at the
realization that we have touched a surface that is moist with
both urine (ours and Humans) and foot sweat. We drop the
tissue into the bowl and try not to think about the locker room
of germs on our hand as we flush the toilet. We move to the sink
and, more often than not, wash our hands thoroughlywith
all hot water (no cold) and liquid soap. (Occasionally, we do
not wash our hands because we fear touching the sink handles and
the top of the liquid soap container will only make our hands
dirtier.) After washing, we look for the driest, least-contaminated
spot on the hand towelthis usually involves folding, flipping,
and refoldingto blot the water from our hands. If the towels
are not clean enough to satisfy us, we leavemaking as little
contact with the doorknob (germ magnet) as possibleand dry
our hands on the bath towel in our room, which no one else is
permitted to touch.
are not as frequent as Humans might thinkevery other day,
at mostbecause, as has been detailed above, shower stalls
and bathtubs make our skin crawl. But on days when we deem them
necessary, we adhere to a strict routine: rinse body and hair
with scalding water, wash and rinse hair, apply liquid bodywash,
and rinse thoroughly, wash face (again, with liquid facewash),
exit shower, and step immediately into slippers, keeping to a
minimum contact with the pube trap known as the bath mat. Wear
towel and slippers to bedroom and dress immediately in clean clothes.
Stifle gag reflex.
no liquid soaps are available to us (e.g., when traveling), and
a shower is necessary, it is permissible to wash entire body and
face with shampoo. Bar soaps must be avoided at all costs. The
importance of this cannot be stressed enough.
rest of the day presents other challenges. Subways, our primary
means of transportation, are host to Humans from all walks of
life, with the exception of the very wealthy (who, as luck would
have it, are generally pretty clean). This means that every surface
we touch in a subway car has also been touchedvery recentlyby
homeless winos with shit in their pants and tuberculosis, squalling
children who play regularly with dead animals, needle-sharing
junkies with AIDS, and all manner of careless, snot-nosed Humans
who think nothing of expectorating bile from their mouths and
noses onto seats, doors, walls, hand supports, passengers, and
luggage. Riding the rails engenders lots of obsessive hand washing,
of course, which brings us to the vile topic of public restrooms.
is an art to using a public restroom without contracting disease
and filth. We touch diseased surfaces with our left pincher and
thumb, our penises with our right. In emergencies (provided there
is no visible urine, feces or vomit), we do, in fact, place our
buttocks on toilet seatsanother myth shattered!because
we know that "hovering" breeds less sanitary conditions
than sitting, as the practice forces matter to spray outward to
the toilet seat, floor, bunched trousers and ankles. We wash our
hands only if paper towels or, better yet, a hot-air blower, are
present. We like touchless, infrared faucets, and wish doorknobs
worked the same way. In some cases, an extra piece of tissue or
paper towel is used to turn the knob on the way out.
unavoidable blight on our kind is Human financial transactions.
Money itselfcoins, billsis transferred from toxic
waste dump to toxic waste dump, and is never washed. Coins in
our pocket date back 50 years without ever being scrubbed, and
paper money might as well be printed on soiled jockstraps and
handkerchiefs. ATM and credit cards are a slight improvement,
although the sweaty mitts of insolvent bug ranches jab at the
cash-withdrawal machines all day long.
know there is no escaping you, Human. This is our life, our constant
struggle. Our perfect, Human-free world would be a place where
retinal scanners replace house keys, where toothbrushes are replaced
after each use, where people fold towels properly, and where bar
soap is banned from existence. Also, wed like Human females
to have larger breasts, but thats just us.
is not to be. We must continue to coexist. So please, Humansclean
up your motherfucking act!