Tower elevator, (Chicago IL)
June 12th, 9:46 a.m.
a marvelous uncomfortable silence! It ranks next to the infamous
McClurg funeral, where Roy McClurgs wifeupon giving
her eulogysaid she hoped her beloved would rot in Hades
with all the harpies he "boinked." It was uncomfortably
silent for 23 minutes!!
the #4 elevatorwhich was crammed with tourists, suits, and
delivery boyscant compare in shock value or duration,
it does make up in intensity. When an obese man with an aversion
to deodorant entered the elevator on the 3rd floor and announced,
"This itching hasnt stopped for weeks," the trapped
throngs pressed themselves against the cars rear, allowing
for maximum separation between them and the itchy rider. No one
spokemuch less coughedfor the remaining 87 floors
as the itching man continued to itch, riding the elevator to the
observation deck. It was glorious! Watch out McClurg, theres
a new contender. :)
Myself Out in a Store Window on My Way to Work
S. 3rd (Ganado, TX)
August 16th, 8:32 a.m.
was sporting ass-enhancing Euro-trash jeans done khaki. Considerably
vexed by my early-morning-half-drunk fashion choice, I needed
a quick peek to ensure complete package concealment. The naysayers
were in attendance. An old woman in a pink housecoat, a greasy
t-shirted construction worker and prepubescent Pokemon flasher
all slowed, anticipating my move to the window.
so much as a head-fake would throw them into suppressed giggles.
A full-on stop, primp and tuck was completely out of the question.
I stared into the sky-attempting the classic "look theres
Elvis"-then made my move...rotating into a lovely powder
blue Victoria Secrets bra and matching seamless panties.
Left vacillating between checking out my broadsword or ladies
underwear, I pivoted toward home and continued searching for the
King. Good heart, but bad form and poor execution. More bass,
less whining emo.:(
a Rotary Phone at Grandmas
June 30th, 4:35 p.m.
a pitiful experience. One afternoon while vacationing at Grandmas,
I listened to a little Pop radio. A particularly slammin
Macy Gray song came on and the DJ announced that the ninth caller
would win free passes to Six Flags. I loved Six Flags! I rushed
to the phone, only to encounter a rotary unit. I frantically tried
to dial, but my fingers failed on the nines. As the dial geriatrically
clickclacked through the tones, visions of roller coasters evaporated.
When the numbers finally slid together in, I amazingly got through
to the station, but the phone rang interminablyMr. DJ was
announcing lucky number nine. Fuck number nine. Fuck rotary phones.
And fuck Grandma too. :(
Deli and Grocery Mart II (Renton, WA)
June 9th, 3.24 p.m.
entering the bathroom, I take a cursory look under the stalls.
No feet. Im in the clear. I sit down and begin the basic
abdominal strainforcing yesterdays consumption of
pizza and beer from my body. Things are looking up. It feels like
a dry run. Before I even finish reading the back of the Lysol
canister, Im done. Rising to my feet, wadding the single-ply
budget toilette paper into a ball, I wipe then glance down. Its
clean. An overwhelming sense of joy breaks across me, but I have
to make sure. Wipe two: the paper is unmarred and pristine. I
toss it into the toilette, flush, and draw my belt. I swing the
door openseeing my reflection in the mirrora spreading
smile of intestinal fortitude, vindication through digestion.
Down the Street and Spotting a Beautiful Woman
Rd, (Bedford, PA)
August 7th, 10:15 p.m.
maintain a bad porno sax and 80s synth playing while I walk.
Every move flows to that soundtrack or I end up looking like some
sick war-time propaganda film warning against the evils of gonorrhea:
"Watch out Jimmy, or you could end up like this poor fellow."
week, I ambled fused to the tune. From two blocks away I could
see her coming. I cocked my left hip, throwing my shoulders back
a touch (affecting a sensitive but not flamboyantly gay tonal
blend). We intersected in front of the display case at Cessnas
meat market. She spied our reflectionmy smile intermingled
with myriad meat products and grinned. The final verdict: with
moves like that your dickll never dry! Fantastic! :)